It’s just hard to understand… right now. (1)

Remind me who you are,

when I forget who I am

I know I’m special to you,

It’s just hard to understand, right now.

Aquafina is a song by WHATPURG. I was listening to some music created by Christians and this song just played as a suggestion from another. Huge shoutout to my uncle Spotiwale. 

At first it came across as a sort of R’n’B vibe to it. A guy in his feelings, talking about his girl. And a lot of people would listen to the first 10 seconds of the song, ready to throw it away; another guy rambling on about how attractive his lady is, nothing spiritual. Just ‘wordly’.

Then I deeped the lyrics. 🕳️

This rapper (and singer? ) explores temptations in an honest way and it’s something that is relatable yet isn’t common.

It’s very easy for me to get hooked on prosperity and blessings. And that’s all good. But there are times when I’m chewing on a complicated, well-done steak 🥩 that I can cleanly taste, but can’t quite swallow right now.

From listening to the rest of the song, the context behind these powerful lines stems from his battle with lust, fornication and sexual thoughts and desires. He’s lost.

And that part of him that knows who his God is & is crying out for a touch. The way the woman in the bible with the issue of blood knew the power Jesus carried with him (Luke 8:43-48).

Just one touch. One reminder. One reminder that the God that I believe in will rescue me.

In order for these four lines to make true sense, I’m going to flip the script. 

So, FYI – This is part 1 of 4 and the most pessimistic one too. But there is no good story without struggle. By the end I’m hoping you’ll look like this:

If not because of how the series links, but why the blog is called what it is.

It’s just hard to understand, right now.

The pastor shouts:

“GET WISDOM! GET UNDERSTANDING!” “WHAT YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND IS THAT GODDDDDD IS YOUR REFUGE!”

in service. Meanwhile I dream about what body language I should portray in the ride back home that will convince my dad to swipe right on the roundabout to McDonalds. 

It’s hard.

When I was in school and I couldn’t understand what was being taught, one reason was because of my mind being elsewhere when the information was given. ✍🏾

Now even from time, oh my. When I saw a fine lady, just. Walk. By. 🚶🏿‍♀️I was lovin’ it  . Man would forget what I planned for the next week. I got Lost in the sauce.

It’s hard.

The more the thoughts came into my mind the further I distanced myself from God, I became even less interested in Church and more interested in T-Pain’s church.

It starts with thoughts, not just thoughts that seem pleasurable. Negative thoughts. Creating and re-creating scenarios that offer nothing but pain. The mind is the most complicated part of the body.

From the person who won’t reciprocate your love to the person who hurt you physically and emotionally.

When I feel happy with money, attention, clout it’s:

I don’t get it, can you offer me a happiness that’s greater than I’ve got? I want to grow with you but, can I get the best of both worlds? 

And when I feel down and out it’s:

Oh God how could you allow me to go through this? What do you have that can fix this? 

It’s actually hard.

And because it’s hard to understand, we fill our holes with someone else and it feels like the quickest way out. So many relationships are really situationships because it’s a temporary bliss. A temporary fix.

I understand her, she’s got great advice and she knows what I (think I) need but I can’t… I just can’t understand you God.

You know like, we turn to other people to fill in our voids
And we end up hurting each other because obviously
Other people’s love isn’t gonna be enough
To heal us and fill us up

Or if it’s not someone, it’s something. It takes your mind elsewhere that is not what the teacher or the preacher, wants from me right now.

You ever had those times when you’re wondering where your friend is at, and you call them up and they’re the ones that are there but you got the wrong location?

Ahhhh because God is meant to be our friend right? I see you bro!

Sometimes I’m actually walking away from God, with my head turned back like a puppet. Wondering why am I further away? Not looking down at my Green Air Maxes taking me to another place. 

Best shoes hands-down eyebrows-up btw ^

It’s not all the time we don’t understand.

Because you can have your sweet dose of God on a Sunday but one bad occurrence and the How Great is Our Goddddd, sing with me…

Sing with you what?! I don’t get why?! Fam why is this auntie’s singing jarring me! 

But last week it hit #1 on your billboard, but right now you’re just bored of hearing it. The scriptures, the bible, the song. It all seems… long. The things of this world numb us to his voice, we can’t hear his spirit breathe. We’re tired. So much more aware of our flesh.

It’s hard to understand right now because even when we come to the realisation that this isn’t right, we still want to be more like us. Human-like. freedom to do what we want rather than follow in his path and fulfil his purpose in our lives. Christ-like.

I’m a victim of all of this, and it’s why I need that reminder often. But I can’t understand without acknowledging who he is first. So in those times, you gotta tap into how special God is to you… 

TBC.

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